Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
