Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
