Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
