she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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