I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
