guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
