i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize