so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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