well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
