I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
