so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
