I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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