he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
