Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
