YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
