we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
