He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
