a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
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He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
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