I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
