bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Girls should come with a carfax report
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
