I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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