I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
