I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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