I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Princesses don't give blow jobs
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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