There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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