we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
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It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
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Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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