you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
