the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
