Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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