shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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