Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
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