your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You need Xanax blowdarts
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
