Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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