Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he thought i was a dude.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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