My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
