I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
