I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
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