You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
