My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
