I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
