the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
