You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
