I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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