now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
So much rum. So many feels.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
