Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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