if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
