Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
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