this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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