are you still at the devil's house?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
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