Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Randomize
