basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
