We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
