i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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