you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
