I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
