i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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