It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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