so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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